Today I was thinking on what route I should take in continuing to churn out these posts. Yes, I set aside nearly two weeks to tell my exhausting story in three short excerpts – but what now? In all this mental grunt work I’ve carried out in order to turn my ideas into short works, I realized the key element that I can’t afford to leave out. This blog is supposed to be about both my ups and downs in trying to work for Jesus in the midst of life-draining social anxiety, and how “the servant life” is sometimes completely unrelated to God – often I choose to serve something that wants to kill every bit of me that’s left.
“How could I leave this out?” I thought to myself, “If there was a sole purpose for me to blog about my life, this would be it.”
As a fervent writer (I’d say there’s some obsessive-compulsiveness floating around in there somewhere), I suppose it was the desire to make every post a striking masterpiece of literature that revealed itself as my Achilles’ heel. Sacrificing the personality of one’s writing for structure is a mistake - one that I was closing in on fast. I would prefer this story to continue outside of a series of three works that tells the highlights of “how I got here.” How I got here is behind me; it’s where I’m going that’s the real story. I may have grown and matured monumentally compared to the scared little boy I was in early high school, but what significance does that have if I’m not going anywhere moving forward? I feel like it doesn’t matter how much time we have to look back on, because there’s always more spiritual growth to be done. So, my writing will be moving forward.
As of now I am on vacation with my family in Florida; my mind usually moves along quite serenely on this particular week of the year. The point is, however, that reality will come knocking on Saturday when I land back in Little Rock. Spending time with friends will happen, working will happen, and life will happen. The struggle will return, and a mental disorder will attempt to blind me from what is really worth getting a grasp on in this world – working for Jesus. Drawing from His strength in the face of all fear, whether it be of death, monsters under the bed, or being rejected by people is what I want. Becoming a servant of Jesus Christ is what saved my life; serving my social fears put me on the road to destroying it - what this blog should be is my documentation of trying to get that.
Grace and Peace,
J. S. Wade
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